Jealous... ME?! No Way.
“Tu eres exactamente como tu abuela de celosa” (you are exactly like your jealous grandmother). That was a phrase that I constantly heard from my mother. JEALOUS... ME?! No way. I am nothing like my grandmother. I remember clearly hearing all the horror stories my grandfather use to tell us about Los celos enfermizo de mi abuela. Hearing about the time she forbade him from hanging out in front of the porch because the neighbor's wife was "dándole ojos bonitos" (giving him the googly eyes). He went weeks without being able to sit in his own porch. Or the countless of times I would hear her say “Ramoncito que es lo que tu mira?” Nope! I was definitely nothing like my grandmother. Or am I?!
There I was laying in bed at 3am looking through my partners instagram and noticed that he had liked one too many pictures of some girls he knew. That infuriated me. I woke him up and began to argue with him demanding answers as to why he was liking so many pictures. “Tu tiene que estar loca, duermete mejor. Tu me tiene cansado con tu celos” You must be crazy, go back to sleep, I’m tired of your jealous tendencies, was his reply. This didn’t sit well with me at all. I kept fighting over this for days after, until I finally made him erase women off his social media page. Why was I so jealous? I have done some crazy things in my life because of “love”. I followed my child's father once in the back seat of a taxi because I thought he was going to go meet some girl. Crazy right.
So it has taken some real self-awareness on my part to even come to admit that I am jealous and to actually accept it. I have learned that my tendencies are not the healthy kind but the real bad, psychotic type. The kind that can drive any person away. FAR FAR AWAY. I decided to get to the bottom of my this. I wanted to see what was the cause of my jealous actions. Why was I so much like grandmother? Was it in my DNA?!
So I asked 3 significant men in my life why they thought I was the jealous type.
One stated the following:
“I believe you're jealous because you come from a long line of over possessive women. Your grandmother was a very jealous woman, your mother as well. Although she may not show her jealous features but she is too very possessive and controlling.”
The second man said:
"The women in our family feel that the men they marry are not only their significant other but their property."
"You feel like you own your partner.”
The third one said:
"You're the jealous type because you experienced betrayal in your past relationships. Therefore you lack trust in men. Your inability to trust makes you a very jealous woman. These past actions caused a reaction. You became insecure because of the betrayals you have endured.”
Did my previous relationships damage me as a women? Did these previous relationships strip my confidence? Sometimes you need to hear it from others in order to understand yourself a little better. After hearing these three semi accurate opinions, I started to do some self reflecting. Was I really born into a line of possessive and controlling females? Was I really that crazy?!
After self-reflecting and after I did what I like to call a "keeping it real with myself exercise", I was able to be honest with myself. My jealous issues were caused and stemmed from previous and present life experiences. Some that taught me to build walls and take control of my environment. Micromanaging every aspect of my life making me controlling. Senor Death played a major role in my possessive department. "Your partners are more than just your partners they become your property". I want to hold on to my partners so much in fear of losing them that I end up becoming possessive. The fact that I was cheated on and mislead by a few men in my life made me insecure and definitely have major trust issues, forcing me to create these walls and have these psychotic tendencies.
Now that I am aware of my jealous nature, I have become more conscious of my actions and reactions. I find myself having to constantly remind myself that my past is in my past and that I should not let what others have done to me affect my present relationships. I have also learned to sit my partner down and explain to him where my jealousy is coming from. This has helped him understand me better which in turn has made him aware, sensitive, and more cautious of his actions when it comes to other females. It has been a learning experience for me and him. I occasionally flip out on some bouncing crossing actions, but I am no longer arguing about the insignificant bullsh*t like social media. I have learned to have more confidence in myself and the things I have to offer. If I had one advise to give someone who is as jealous as me it would be to take a minute or 5 before reacting. Distract yourself and reassess the whole scenario because 95% of the time it is your mind, your insecurities, and your past creating these things that are not there. So to una celosa a otra respira (just breath).