Emotional Wars and their Aftermath
You work on building yourself to be someone with great qualities. You want to have a solid foundation for all relationships you develop so you make sure to dot your Is and cross your Ts when it comes to your character. But sometimes during the construction process, things can go wrong. The wiring gets faulty and you end up with problems you didn’t even know you had.
Here I find myself in a confused state. I can blame my mood and random moments of crying episodes on the moon, the retrograde, or my period. I can call it a phase or just me being a girl, but as I learn to be honest with myself I know there is a deeper meaning to it all. A wound that is being opened and requires immediate attention before it develops into an infection. Things that I thought I had gone through and I believed to have gotten over are resurfacing. I am reliving emotions I thought I had overcome, but through time realized they have taken a new light through insecurities and waves of depression.
I was confident, trusting, and never afraid to love openly. I valued myself, my word, and always put me first. This made me enjoy life freely. Allowed me to live in the moment and carry a genuine smile that came from my heart. This is how I see myself when I look back at pictures. I was about me. I was selfish and headstrong; yet those who I loved were lucky to receive pure immense love from the utmost positive place. I did as I pleased, and that was the only thing that mattered.
Fast forward to the present state and that vision has changed. Some wars I’ve fought have made me understand that not everything in life is rainbows and unicorns. That sometimes we must face situations that are real and cold, and these instances are what make us grow. I know I'm living with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after these wars. They are triggers that bring up the past and make you feel emotions that you yourself don’t know where they are coming from. These emotional battles that you think, once you are over someone they are gone too, but in fact they are not. You could fall out of love with someone and still have the lasting effects of what they did to you. These effects don’t show up until you are faced with the same wars.
First war. Love my mom dearly, and she has always been there for me through all my growing pains. I wasn’t the easiest teenager and looking back I feel bad she had to deal with me. I was a wreck of misconstrued emotions that took over my life. PMS 24/7! Communicating with her was difficult and the language barrier didn’t make it any easier. I spoke Spanish fluently but my feelings only new English words. I would write her letters in English and do my best to translate them to Spanish. Through these letters I told her what was going on with my life that drove me to my emotional break downs. I couldn’t get words out through speech without tears, so the letters helped get my message across. But there is one letter that created a lasting emotional war in me. I thought the world revolved around me and went off on my mother for being so hard on me. I told her I didn’t ask her to have me and it was her choice. Ouch! Right?! Well her reply, “You need to learn how your words hurt people. You have a way of making others feel bad through your words.” This instance created a wound that I now know I carry even though she probably doesn't even remember this happened.
I have realized I don’t speak up in relationships. I don’t ask for what I want or demand the things I need. I play it nonchalant, easy breezy, let time do its thing until BOOM! I explode. I wake up with tears for no reason. I can’t be in groups; I can’t speak without wanting to hurl. Why? Because I have been bottling up so many emotions with so many different relationships that now I can't hold it in anymore. I find myself in a depressive state where I just roll up into a cave and avoid any human interaction. And if I force myself to step out its the worse. You can tell in my facial expressions that I am not ok. I feel the ball of energy around me radiate in the most negative way. A force field not allowing me to enjoy myself.
War II. In my late 20s, I found myself in a relationship that shook me to the core. Still not able to express my feelings very well, this relationship added another wound that makes me the wreck I am today. After I left my child’s father, a few weeks after we decided to chat and discuss the possibilities of making it work. His reply, “You are damaged. I don’t think you can ever get over things.” Now hold up. Don't get it twisted, I know I am a strong woman that can handle a lot BUT for someone who created a life with me to then use such words to describe the mental state he had left me in was one tough pill to swallow. DAMAGED?! What things can’t I get over?! Looking back to that statement and that wound it created I do feel it carries some meaning. I don’t trust easily. I notice now that due to this I have been careful with allowing myself to care for someone. Caring for someone means putting faith into them which then leads to trusting someone with yourself and with your heart. I fight myself. I tell myself I don’t care when I do care. I don’t allow myself to feel too strong for others because I haven’t found it in me to trust anyone.
War III. Finally allowed myself to date someone after War II. I allowed someone in! No, I still didn’t express my feelings. No, I still didn’t trust. And yes, I still acted like I didn’t care enough to even want to trust or care for the other person’s whereabouts and doings until it was out on the light that him too was up to no good. But this wound wasn’t about trust, as that one was already there. This one was about self-love. About being confident. Knowing that you deserve the best and you should get the best. This last war was a slow inflicted wound. One of the worse kinds. The ones that burn and sting and you prick on to remove the scabs so it reopens. Why I say this? Because it took almost 2 years for this wound to close. In this last war, I was told that my situation (single mom) made me undesirable. Made me hard to date and build a future with. In this last war, I was put down and made to feel like I was not good enough. I heard comparison with exes, and to see someone play with your emotions telling you that you are amazing one day and the next that you are not enough it takes a toll on your emotional sanctity.
Present moment. I now try to put myself out there. I try to be more open and let myself get to meet others but every time I date all these wounds resurface. I don’t speak up because I am afraid to come off too strong or needy. I don’t allow myself to get too invested into people as I still find it hard to trust and I always jump to the worse conclusion. Also, I always second guess others and their feelings towards me. Writing this article has been my therapy, as I now acknowledge these wounds. I now know what scars I need to deal with, without allowing them to take over me. There are wars that we must fight but we can’t forget that we also need to face the after math and learn how to heal. Not to move forward with the baggage but to learn and grow from them.
I promise to speak my heart as it is genuine and I trust my feelings all come from a good place.
I promise to care and love with no restrictions. Allow trust to be build and know that is not always the worst case scenario.
I promise to know my worth. I know that I deserve nothing but the best and that I will always receive that because God has his best interest out for me.
Work in progress, formal PTSD