Cheating Pt. II ...The Story Why I didn't Stay
I thought I knew what it was to be in “love” but I was wrong. Throughout my twenties, my life experiences have shown me that love can be many things and it can happen in many ways. For me, it started when I met my first sweetheart and fell in the path of love. This relationship was the first to question my perspective on what love was.
I was 21 years old and he was 22 when we met. I saw no harm, and I did not fear him. We spent many nights together talking, and laughing. The relationship felt good and pure. There was no fighting, arguments, or any type of jealousy involved. I felt a deep affection and profound tender love that became physically and mentally addictive. I felt when he looked into my eyes, all he saw was my beauty. What I could remember about the relationship was our connection. As a young couple it was strong. Many people who saw us always said we're a good couple together. But as many people would say we were perfect, you also had those who envied us and wanted what we had. They tried to take that happiness away from us.
As I was so in love, I was oblivious to everything that was going on around me. Two people in love. We didn’t care about each others flaws. I looked at him, past his negative ways and only focused on the qualities that I thought were good to me. My attention was to him and only him. I was head over heels for this guy. Then I learned that the man I thought loved me was being unfaithful to me. The last thing on my mind was the feeling of being betrayed from the man I was in love with.
My first encounter with betrayal was when I found out that another woman was in our home when I was 3 months pregnant. I was angry and hurt and had nowhere to go or anyone to speak to. I left for a day to my mothers house and then disappeared for two days at a friend's house. After the short time apart I forgave him and tried to forget what had just happened. Despite the pain, I tried to work on us as we had a baby on the way.
My second experience was when I found out he was having another child. This crushed my heart. I couldn’t accept the fact that another child was going to be born outside this family I was building. I learned that he never broke things off. He had various side relationships with other women and one in particular had gotten pregnant. He ping pong between us and ended up creating two families.
Throughout these issues I did leave, multiple times matter of fact. But every time I still felt like it might've worked. Then another issue arose. He also became controlling. The more I found out of the betrayals the more insecure he became. He was extremely jealous and didn’t want to see me hangout with friends. He would leave me at his mothers house because this way he would make sure of my whereabouts at all times. I felt suffocated as I had no freedom. Despite this control, he continued to cheat on me with multiple women and staying out late or not coming home till the next morning.
After that I started to realize that I had to leave him. One day I had, had enough and finally walked out of his life. I was strong enough to ignore his actions towards me and his phone calls. I made sure that the only contact allowed was about our child. Other than that no need to bother me. And even after I left him, he still was claiming I was his. I thought to myself why be so selfish. I've noticed he didn't want to see me move on and be happy. He wanted me all to himself despite his infidelities. At one point, it felt as if he enjoyed seeing me suffer and go through the struggle of being hurt. I was mentally abused by this man who I thought I was in love with and had a kid with. I learned that I couldn’t be mad forever because one of us had to be grown enough to leave. If not, it was like he was having his cake and eating it too. After all the arguments, fighting, and the verbal abuse to each other I knew this relationship wasn’t going to work, even if we tried to had made it work. We were damaged and it was something I couldn’t forgive or forget.
Now that I reflect back on it, I learned that a man who says he loves you wouldn’t put you through so much hurt like he did to me. A man in love wouldn't dare disrespect his woman or dishonor her trust. A woman wants to feel safe and protected by the man she loves. Love should be learning how to love each other, trust and grow together without any disloyalties or disrespect. At times, I couldn't explain what I saw in him that dragged me so deep into his world. It was hard to explain my love towards him. I could say that I didn’t have one care for anything or anybody. It was like I was living in my own world of fairy tales.
I had many reasons why I left. It all came down to understanding that both my child and I deserved better. I couldn't take the mental abuse, the cheating, and the disrespect. After all that suffering, I don't regret any of it because at one point I was happy. I did learn that there's nothing wrong with realizing you deserve someone better. Sometimes, you must find your happiness within yourself. I knew I wasn't happy within myself in the relationship or the lifestyle he was giving me. So I chose to leave. And this is what love is. To love yourself in order to be better for those who are willing to accept your love. Love is taking care of my child and providing him with a positive environment. Love is happiness.