Cheating, Why I Stayed.
You know the old saying "men will be men”. You've heard those who try justifying it by saying "that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you!". And those that use history and statistics to make you feel better, "You need to understand that it takes men a little longer to grow up and commit”. The list of excuses goes on and on. Why do we allow this? When did it become acceptable for someone to cheat on you?
Cheating is not a new topic to anyone. Not to the 50 something year old vecina (neighbor) from upstairs, or to my uncle whom 2 out of 4 of his kids have been questioned behind closed doors at my aunt’s house about 100 times. "Esa dos muchachas no tienen nada de KEVIN” (Those two daughters of his don’t look anything like him). And cheating is nothing new to me. Cheating has been happening since cuca bailaba (phrase used to note old times, translates to when cuca use to dance). But we are in 2017, so why do we allow it? I don't know why you would allow it but I am going to share with you why I did. Growing up in a society where cheating has become a part of life's trials and tribulations, I have heard and experienced one too many cheating stories. Relationships are hard to maintain. Both men and women have become so available that they are constantly searching to find “the one”, to the point where standards are being lowered just so the person can stick around. We allow and do too much. I remember lowering my standards to a level that I did not know who the hell I was.
I was already having this crazy gut feeling about three weeks prior to my discovery. I knew something was not right. So one Monday morning, I went about my day. Woke up, checked my phone first thing before getting out of bed. Typical millennial bad habits. Read texts, checked mail, weather, and then I open dear ol’ IG. I see a new message on my Instagram direct message box. As I opened it, I recognized it was a dick picture of my loving boyfriend. I felt like someone had taken a bat and hit me straight in my stomach knocking the wind out of me. I couldn't breathe let alone think. I blacked out and charged at him. I wanted to kill him. I know violence is never the answer or solution to any situation, but I couldn’t contain myself. Let's just say that I became this vicious wild animal that was filled with anger, disappointment and regrets. I felt betrayed. After about 30 minutes of me screaming and fighting I gave up and I simply just told him to pack his shit and leave.
After about two weeks or so he was back in my bed. Sometime during these two weeks since the incident he had managed to swindle himself back into my life with all these promises that he was going to change and how sorry he was. He went the whole 9 yards to prove to me that he wanted to build a future with me. He changed his social media presence (as I know that played a part). We all give out a vibe on our social media channels and some people find that as an invitation to your life. He made the change to make it clear that it was different now and that this was his focus, rather than those thirsty DMs. He started to make me his number one priority. He wanted to change.
I allowed him back in my life because I knew that I wanted him in my future. There was love there that bonded us despite this. I felt we were going to be able to repair the damage that was done. That was far from the truth. I would get angry just by looking at him. I would fight every chance I got all on assumptions. I would want to play detective all the time looking for the next fuck up. Things were far from fixed. But we worked hard. We communicated. We decided to establish what was and wasn't acceptable in our relationship. We spoke about the cause of the cheating the reasons behind it. It helped me understand that it had nothing to do with me or what and how I was doing things. It was about him and how the transition from being single to a relationship was taking some time to adjust. Plus, like most of us he had his own demons and fears from past relationships that clouded his judgment. I no longer check his phone. I stop that a long time ago since I realized it was only tormenting me. It was consuming my time so I stopped. I don't feel the need to do so anymore.
A few years later and here we are. Commited and still growing and learning. I stood for a few reasons, one being that I had faith in the love that we shared. I truly felt and still feel that despite his action he genuinely loves me. He did not change from day to night, it took time and patience. But we both were willing to make our relationship work and this was key. We both were working at making it better. Because relationships are not easy but both parties need to want to make it work. I also decided to forgive and move forward. Which is another key to making things work for the long run. We can’t hold it over their heads if we want to see a future. I stopped bringing up the past and focused on what I wanted this relationship to blossom into. Unlike some, I don’t see me staying making me weak or stupid. I see it as I believed in us and I knew what we both had to do to make it work. I made changes to set my standards high and clear to him as to what is now not acceptable.
As advice for those going through this I would only say stay if he is willing to change. There are signs and patterns. We just need to open our eyes. If it continues to happen it is not going to stop. If you made it clear where you stand and it happens again then that is a major sign. Cheating can be a pattern and a habit that some don’t break out of. In addition, I have learned about men, when they want something they will do everything and anything to get it. So, if he wants to be with you he will fight for the relationship. There will be no boundaries nor limits or buts... he will do it.
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