Señor Death and I
As humans, we are taught to celebrate life. We have birthday parties, attend baby showers, celebrate milestone anniversaries with music, dancing, and great food with our family and friends. But we are not taught about death and how it is as well an imminent part of our life. We are not taught how significant that shit is and how big of a role it plays in our lives. We never know when we will have to deal with it. Death is a topic that very few feel comfortable discussing. Unfortunately for me, it is something that is so consistent in my thoughts that I feel it haunts me. I am afraid of it. So terrified by it that I have started limiting my life.
You can say it all began in my early 20s. My first love was tragically killed. This was someone I spent all of my time with. We lived together and had a child. So imagine someone so close to you being taken away so abruptly. I remember my phone ringing, waking me up in the middle of the night, and someone telling me they killed him. Just like that in a blink of an eye my life was changed forever. He was gone. And Senor Death was born, bringing FEAR and ANXIETY into my life.
Death has consumed me. It is in my thoughts when I drive. I can visualize a truck wiping me off the road and killing me. When my loved ones go to work, I fear that something tragic will happen to them on their commute or throughout their day. I kid you not when my children fall asleep I wake up countless times to check and see if they are still breathing. I think about death a lot in regards to my parents and how they are aging. I fear waking up to a call from someone telling me that they have passed. Senor Death is there creating all these crazy scenarios and inflicting fear in me that oftentimes I find myself not being able to breathe. I become impatient and worrisome. My brain goes into overload. When Senor Death enters, that fucker brings a shit load of sorrow and grief that seems unbearable for a very long time.
Knowing this, and the cause of it, has led me to work on myself. I’m managing to deal with this fear. When I feel it taking over I simply try to erase and push these thoughts out of my mind. I pray and through prayer I make pacts with God. I have started to give up things like potato chips and chocolate (to name a few), in hopes that God will keep my family and friends safe. I know this might sound juvenile but is my coping mechanism. This way I don’t let the present be consumed by my fear.
This fear of death has also taught me a valuable life lesson that has shaped me to be more kind, humble, more thoughtful, and a lot more grateful. Here he comes awakening us! Putting value on our lives and on the lives of those around us. Making us feel more connected with the present. Teaching us that tomorrow is not promised. Senor Death has become an influential piece because I can't seem to be able to live with or without it.
As I wrote this, I started to realize how frightened of him I really am because he puts an expiration date on those I love. Having lost someone so dear to be at an early age has made me value those close to me even more. Post-traumatic stress disorder you might say. He is in my thoughts so often because I know when he comes I will no longer be able to hold, see, speak, and love those dearest to me.