My Saturn Return

My Saturn Return

At 15 the Spanish culture celebrates our introduction to womanhood. The celebration of our quinceanera was a symbol that we were ready to be a woman and handle a household. I on the other hand got $500 cash and could barely make rice. At 18 I entered what Americans see as a glimpse of adulthood. Society let me choose a leader, fill out tax forms, and up the charge if I messed with the law. I just went to college, worked two jobs, and got a credit card. Oh, and at 21, bring on the right to drink, smoke, and hear the word “adult.” A LOT. My parents still treated me like their kid and judged my every action.

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My 20s were amazing. I was still lost and in no rush to figure things out. I was responsible though. I finished college with a degree in International Business, and had started a career in Fashion Merchandising. I handled my own bills, saved up some bread, owned a car, and had enough credit card and student loan debt to validate my adult hood. I breezed by my 20s thinking I was in total control. My career flourished as a Buyer and Merchant. I had a daughter at 28 and although I wasn’t with my daughter’s father I managed to establish a great living situation on my own. Sounds pretty good so far, right?

Well something happened when 30 approached. Another rite of passage you must say. This one sent to us not by culture, or society, but  by the universe. The planet Saturn takes about 29 years for it to go back to the same position it was the day you was born. This trip back is called the Return of Saturn. “This is when the planet Saturn comes back to meet your natal Saturn. It takes about 29.5 years for this slow-mover to return to where it was when you were born. The Saturn return hits in the late twenties, and its impact is felt into the early thirties. There's a second (and possibly a third for the long-lived among us) Saturn return that hits between age 57-60.” (http://astrology.about.com/od/advancedastrology/p/SaturnReturn.htm)  And during its return it has a big impact in your life. “Since ancient times it {Saturn} has been known as the Grim Reaper, the Lord of Time and of Karma.” (http://www.astrocal.co.uk/saturn-return-calculator/#sthash.EkYPtkAZ.dpuf)  

And guess what, I was smacked in the middle of it. (December 2015-September 2016)* And during this time, it felt like it all fell apart. I felt lost. “Essentially, your Saturn return is a test. What is it testing? Maybe a better question is, what is it NOT testing?! Saturn is a hard taskmaster, & Saturn wants you to learn the difficult lessons so that you can move forward with your life. During your Saturn return, you will be asked repeatedly to prove that you have learned from the challenges you’ve faced over the last 29 years.” (http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-survive-your-saturn-return/)

At 29 I felt burnt out and tired of being the “responsible” one among my family and my friends. I felt like I plateaued at my company and wanted a break. By that summer I made the decision to leave my job and landed one that gave me a more laid back schedule. I was able to have more time with my baby girl and leave work at 5pm without feeling guilty. It was like my career stopped defining me.   

Then came winter 2015. This new job that gave me all this extra time off now made me feel like I lacked passion. I had no desire to be innovated. Being a mother was becoming overwhelming. I just wanted to escape and drink. I wanted to smoke all the time and get away from this pressure I felt. It was an inner force asking me the questions I didn’t have the answers for. What’s next Aura? I was dating someone. Someone who I knew from day one wasn't for me, yet I had this attraction to. He needed me and I loved being his clutch. Yet this new feeling made me tired of him too. I didn’t want to be responsible for him. I wanted for once to not take care of things but be taken care of.

I turned 30 in March and yet I still felt like I was 19.  Everything was out of whack. My birthday came and went and it was as though time went back. I felt this weird feeling of misplacement. It was like a calm before the storm.

By May my boyfriend and I had grown apart completely. We were roommates, if that. If I was in the bedroom he would be in the living room. If I was awake, he would be asleep. The morning kisses were no longer there and Chinese Food Thursdays became drinks with girls where the liquor drowned the tears. I would get home late to avoid any interaction. I didn’t know if I wanted out or I wanted to mend things. One morning I wake up to his watch with messages from many girls. Not one, not two, but about 11 girls. It was betrayal, heart wrenching, and breathtaking all at the same time. Again, I lost control. I packed his things and kicked him out… but my heart didn’t. I was praying he would fight because right now he was the only thing secure I had. When all else was falling apart his presence in my home was the one thing I knew I needed. This broke me.

I cried him out of my system. I don't remember crying this much. Crying this hard. Ever. I was afraid. See the thing is I never been alone. I've been in relationships since I can remember. And I never lived alone. I went from my mom’s house, to an apartment with my daughter’s father, and I met my boyfriend the week I moved into my own apartment. And since then he was there in my loneliest times. Months into our relationship we practically lived together. So now to face my solitude for the first time was scary. I didn’t want to feel.

I am lucky to have help with my daughter. My mom takes her Wednesday evenings through Friday. I started to look forward to this because she would ask for him when she was home. I felt like running from all responsibilities, including motherhood. It was overwhelming. I wanted to feel like I could break down, but I really couldn't. She needed me so I had to keep it together and suppress my anxiety.

As I coped with this heartache I work numbly and filled my week. I take a boot camp class on Wednesdays, happy hours on Thursdays, and do the most with my baby girl on the weekends. Then comes another kick, this new job of mine, about 7 months in, I get laid off. Luckily in the midst of my agony I had already been looking for new positions.I had a meeting about an opportunity set up on the same day I got laid off and was able to land the job with a little negotiation. So now I need to learn how to live alone, and a new career position? Great. But first a vacation.

To Puerto Rico with my soul sisters I go. In Puerto Rico I found peace. I was one with my thoughts. I let the music guide me and the waves hold me. I knew it was a rite of passage. Eat, love, and dance?

I felt like I was meant to be there with these specific friends at this exact time. We had the time to not think about our daily distractions. To not feel like we had to do anything or be anyone. We just existed and leaned on each other. Time was bliss. We danced the night away, ate the best foods, dressed to the nine, and even took a salsa class. I felt empowered in my own self. Puerto Rico was a connection to the 2nd part of my transition. I came back to start my new job. It was a switch in positions but I felt like I was learning again. Then I started to focus on my home. I cleaned, I organized, I decorated. I focused on myself. I became spiritual, positive, and less hard on myself. I let myself feel.

Through this journey, in which I have yet to finish, (trust me there have been more curve balls, lessons, and kicks than this writing entails) I was able to learn a lot about myself and the universe. I started to do a lot of research about the Return of Saturn and how to cope with it and make it through the end having learned and grown from it. Learning about the Return of Saturn was really a blessing. I was able to put a cause into the effect. It made me feel like there was light at the end of the tunnel. So the next part of my research was to get the tools to help me learn and take on this journey.

My first tool was Energy, both the energy of my space and my self. I learned that energy is our tool to manifest what we want. To change our days and set the path we want. I also learned that is something we need to continue to practice daily. I started with my home. I made the energy in my home mine. After my ex, I had to take back the space I gave him and make it mine once again. My cousin had given me the book “Milk & Honey” by Rapi Kaur. Amazing book of poems that opened up my heart again. I took my favorite ones, framed them, and put one in my bedroom, and the other in my work space. I started to bring flowers weekly into my bedroom. Waking up to something pretty and colorful set my mood to be pretty and colorful throughout my day. I kept my space clean and put together… hoping my life would follow. I would do sage smudging as well. “Mystics say the Native American practice of smudging, or purifying a room with the smoke of sacred herbs, can help clear negative energy from a space. And the apparent benefits are steeped in science—when burned, sage and other herbs release negative ions, which research has linked to a more positive mood.” (http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/ancient-art-smudging)” Next was with my work space. I printed awesome motivational quotes and pictures of my baby girl. Every time I felt like work was stressing me I would look at that wall and know I have something awesome to get home to.

Then I tackled my own energy in the mornings. My friends and I started our days with sharing an affirmation as to how we would like to be that day. I choose to be happy, I choose to be kind, I choose to have patience. This was an amazing way to set my energy even before I left my home. I also attended a Reiki Clinic for a group reiki treatment. “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” (http://www.reiki.org/faq/whatisreiki.html) This treatment was truly effective for me. It gave me calmness and this sense of zen. I am currently working on spiritual salt baths in order to clean my personal energy. I am still at the learning phases of this but will follow up once I am ready to share.

My next tool was healing crystals. “Crystal healing is an alternative medical technique in which crystals and other stones are used to cure ailments and protect against disease. Proponents of this technique believe that crystals act as conduits for healing — allowing positive, healing energy to flow into the body as negative, disease-causing energy flows out.” (http://www.livescience.com/40347-crystal-healing.html) I found a great crystal store on 26th street called Crystal Rock Store. I went in without knowing what I was picking out. A coworker of mine told me to gravitate towards what makes your palms warm. So far my collection includes a Rose Quartz, Amethyst, Jade, and Citrine. All stones that relate to my journey.

Through my introduction to crystals I learned about the full moon and it’s cycle because you are suppose to “wash” your crystals with the full moon’s energy. I started to notice a pattern when I looked back at the dates of my journal and notice and influx in sadness when a full moon approached. “The full moon is a time of positive opportunity if you use it correctly. It can increase your positive energy or conversely, it can wreak havoc on your emotions. Since the full moon pours down a tremendous amount of energy, you must be in a calm state of mind to receive a positive effect. Remember that whatever is going on in your body, mind and spirit will be amplified.” (http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7531/full-moon-harness-the-energy-make-it-work-for-you.html) Knowing this I was able to take control of my energy and emotions as this approached. I would set a calm and positive tone for the night. If I was home I would pray to God about my wants and goals. One night I had a picnic with my friends where we just let all our baggage out. By the time I went home I felt like I let it all go and was ready to be peaceful. This helped my journey as I learned about my patterns and how much energy I can house. I also can control how to manifest that energy.

Another tool I used through my journey that I was so grateful for was my journal. It helped me write the things I didn’t want to speak of. It help me let go of the emotions I would regret sharing. And also help me document the patterns as I learned about my life and my journey. “Keeping a journal helps you establish order when your world feels like it’s in chaos. It helps you get to know yourself by revealing your innermost fears, thoughts, and feelings. Look at your writing time as personal relaxation time, a time when you de-stress and wind down. Write in a place that's relaxing and soothing—maybe with a lit candle and a cup of tea. Look forward to your journaling time, and know that you're doing something good for your mind and body.” (https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552)

My journal went everywhere with me. If I left it at home I would freak out. It help me cry and laugh and it was my safety net to pour all these feelings I deemed insignificant but yet so powerful. I had a friend that was going through a lot and I let her know about journaling. She now has manifested her journal into poems and has an Instagram dedicated to her poems with over 1000+ followers in less than a week.

As I approach what suppose to be the “end” of my Saturn Return I now have a new tool. I have downloaded an app to guide me through the bible and it’s teachings. Throughout my journey I always prayed but never felt “religious” but always felt “spiritual.” I felt that these tools I mentioned above were ways to manifest my energy and cope with the cards I’ve been dealt but I still always felt my connection to God. God gave me the energy, the crystals, the moon, and my ability to write it all down so now that I have let it all guide me to the end I need to start back at the beginning and know God again. I am ready to make him a apart of my new life that is at the end of this tunnel.

I am still traveling through the tunnel so to close this I must say that in any journey you embark have faith. You can’t fight anything alone, you need tools and ways to channel all that is happening. Lean on your love ones, express yourself, don’t house the negative energy. Cry and cry proudly. Always be grateful of what is left around while some things are crumbling because there is always something to be grateful for. And be grateful of self awareness and the understanding when things are going bad. “The first and most crucial step is simply being aware. Being able to communicate to yourself: “something is not right, even though I am not yet sure what would feel better.” (http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/02/20-signs-youre-doing-better-than-you-think-you-are/)

 

Hope this will help you and others you know through their growing pains in whatever chapter they are in their lives. Saturn Return or not.

 

Link to Saturn Return Calculator: http://www.astrocal.co.uk/saturn-return-calculator/

Love at first Swipe

Love at first Swipe

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